Despite what you may read in the papers, the big movie news is not last week's record-breaking opening of "The Da Vinci Code." That's nothing, my friends, compared to this week's release of "The Da Vinci Load," in which it's discovered that Leonardo Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa using, well, propriety forbids us from disclosing. (Plus, we generally don't publish spoilers.)
The latter film is a new Triple X feature that's a fine example of a longstanding tradition of dirty movies inspired by mainstream hits.
"Pirates" is another.
This critically-acclaimed mutiny of the booty features adult movie stars Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Janine, Teagan Presley, Devon, Austyn Moore, Jenaveve Jolie, Tommy Gunn, Evan Stone, Steven St. Croix, Scott Nails and Kris Slater.
Borrowing situational elements and even a DVD box cover design from the much better known (in some circles) "Pirates of the Caribbean," this film was shot on location in California and off the coast of Florida.
First released as an XXX adult feature in 2005, "Pirates" has won more than 29 awards, including 11 at the recent 2006 AVN Awards. Now comes word that a new R-rated version of "Pirates" will be released by mainstream independent home entertainment distributor MTI Home Video, along with Studio Partner Artist View Entertainment, on July 11th.
"Pirates," produced by Digital Playground and Adam & Eve Pictures, is the first adult film to ever receive an R-rating from the MPAA (after being edited).
We haven't seen it, but the film was apparently shot using high definition cameras - not a first for porn, but still rare - and is an "electrifying, swashbuckling adventure that takes a humorous and mystical journey through haunted seas."
(No seamen jokes, please; we've promised our editorial staff we would be on our best behavior.)
The film has a big budget, big production values and big, well, you know. But all kidding aside, most who have seen it say that you'd almost forget that you were watching an adult film, except for the ten sex scenes that have an annoying way of interrupting the battles at sea, the plundering and the pillaging.
Just as in its X-rated version, this considerably shorter (and definitely tamer) "Pirates" will feature "deadly swordplay against CGI skeleton warriors, awe-inspiring Incan magic, explosive sea battles and over 300 special effects."
Not to mention extensively-edited scenes of partying pirates trying to drop their anchor in assorted ports, with Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush and Keira Knightley nowhere to be seen.
The new DVD release of "Pirates" - clearly timed to coincide with the big screen debut of "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" four days earlier - will be presented in widescreen, with features normally reserved for less racy and more mainstream fare: Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound, an actual musical score, a trailer, Spanish subtitles and a behind-the-scenes "making of the visual effects" featurette.
(If you're truly looking for behind the scenes action, one would think you'd probably get enough of that in the film itself. OK, you can pretty much forget what we said before about being on our best behavior.)
A photo gallery of images from "Pirates" appears after the jump.
Suggested Retail Price for this 82-minute erectile epic will be $24.95, but it will likely cost you only seventeen bucks to find out exactly why Tommy Gunn's Roger is so jolly, since most stores will be discounting this title heavily.
It will be interesting to see how well the new version sells. It's true that pornography always drives the adoption and, um, penetration of new technology into American homes. Adult films are often credited for making the VCR and the DVD player must-have items.
It's also true that we now live in a society in which women host in-home sex toy parties and fetish photography - very similar to what you used to have to go to the shady side of town to view - is in every respectable fashion magazine.
Clearly, pornography has been demystified and sex has gone mainstream.
But is there really a market for hardcore porn that has been sanitized and edited into softcore? I mean, if you want to watch this stuff, don't you want the real thing in all its hardcore glory, complete with everyone's naughty bits intertwined?
(And if you don't, isn't that why they have Cinemax?)
The original film ran more than two hours; this new version clocks in at under 90 minutes. If they take anything else out, they'll soon be offering this new version at CleanFlicks.
Or you can simply decide that you want no part of this.
After all, why buy "Pirates" when you can more easily pay homage to Hollywood hits by buying or renting any of the following porn film "classics" with these laugh out loud (but absolutely true) titles: "Whore of the Rings," "Bareback Mountain," "Million Dollar Booty," "Tea Bagger Vance," "Moulin Splooge," "Edward Penishands," "Shaving Ryan's Privates" and "Willy Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory."
Who says the Golden Age of Cinema has long since passed?
Photos from the R-rated version of "Pirates."
Click any image to - you'll pardon the expression - enlarge.