War of the Roses

And now for something completely different...

Excuse the interruption into your regularly scheduled dose of DVD news and information, but I must share with you a little customer service nightmare I've been going through for the past ten days or so.

If you're just interested in the latest DVDs, then by all means skip this post. No harm, no foul. We have lots of good stuff coming up tomorrow for you, including full details on the DVD debuts of "Thank You For Smoking" and "Friends with Money."

But if you're ever ordered anything online and were unhappy with the product when it arrived and then tried to get the company to stand behind its "satisfaction guarantee," you might want to stick around.

Full details of my Kafka-esque journey with FTD™ after the jump.

My most recent adventure with FTD™ - the floral delivery service formally known as Florists' Transworld Delivery, Inc. - began innocently enough on July 7th.

Mrs. Dossier and I were celebrating our anniversary the next day and helpless and hopeless romantic that I am, I thought flowers were in order. Not just flowers, but roses. Not just roses, but long stemmed red roses. Not just one dozen, but two.

And none of those supermarket-already-in-bloom-will-die-in-a-day-or-two roses, but real roses, carefully and elegantly arranged in a suitable glass vase and delivered by a qualified emissary of my love, a trusted local florist.

Well, the fact is I don't have a trusted local florist.

In New York City, you can always find one just a few blocks away from where you're going and they're always in close proximity to hospitals, so you tend to favor whatever one you're near at the time.

The fact is I've often relied upon the local Korean groceries that you'll also find in every NYC neighborhood. They provide good value and they're generally open 24 hours (which is very helpful when you've done something awful and need to apologize at 2:00 in the morning). And for fresh cut flowers, they usually can't be beat for selection and price.

That being said, they're not that good with roses. If they have them at all, they're the absolute dregs, and not much better than supermarket flowers. Also, our anniversary was on a Saturday, and it would not be likely that they would even have any roses left on a Saturday night, which is still Date Night USA.

Off to FTD™ I went; it's a company I've always trusted and a company that I have used my whole life (even before the advent of the internets) to send flowers around the world.

So, on July 7th, I ordered two dozen long stemmed red roses online for delivery the very next day, July 8th. The total came to $110.99.

Well, the roses were actually $109.99, but I had clicked through a promotional e-mail I had received from FTD™ that week for a ten percent discount, bringing them down to just $99.00.

There was, however, a delivery charge of $11.99 and that brought the final total back up to $110.99.

I also had an unused gift certificate I tried to add to the order, but the web site wouldn't let me enter the code, so I couldn't use it (more on that later).

Saturday arrived and every time Mrs. Dossier rang my mobile phone throughout the day, I was sure she had just received the flowers and was calling to tell me how thoughtful I was and how much she was looking forward to our evening together.

But that particular call never came.

Now, FTD's "delivery policy" states that they "cannnot guarantee delivery at a specific time of day," so I can't really complain about when the roses did or didn't get there. But one could argue that when they say "day," it's safe to assume that they probably mean sometime before, say, 6:00 PM.

(Or am I wrong in that assumption?)

In any event, at 6:45 PM - just as we were preparing to go out to dinner - the flowers arrived.

Well, I knew immediately from looking at them that they wouldn't last two or three days, and certainly not the week promised in FTD's guarantee, which depending upon whom you talk to or what part of the website you visit is alternately referred to as their "satisfaction guarantee" or "good as gold guarantee" or "freshness guarantee."

That guarantee states:

We guarantee fresh, beautiful floral arrangements and plants that will last at least seven days.

If you are not satisfied with the freshness of your flowers, please contact us by e-mail or call a customer service representative at 1-800-SEND-FTD (1-800-736-3383), and we will replace your item or refund your money.

A shortened version of that guarantee appears on every page of their website and says simply:

Fresh, beautiful flowers and plants that will last at least 7 days. Guaranteed.

Hey, I've got the full faith and credit of FTD™ behind me... so, what if these roses are fully in bloom and look like the ones I could have bought for twenty bucks down at the corner? They'll take care of me... guaranteed!

Besides, isn't hope the thing with petals? (Wait, I might be wrong about that.)

And maybe I'm just plain wrong about the flowers. Maybe these are super-double-strength roses flown in daily from some country where they're specially grown to withstand the heat and abuse of summer city living.

I mean, why not?

If they can grow "seedless watermelons" nowadays, maybe they can make a rose that looks like it's dying, but surprises everyone and hangs on for dear life for weeks. (They can call it the Generalissimo Francisco Franco Rose.)

There was no need to get my knickers in a twist or ruin our happy occasion. The roses would certainly survive the night and - for the moment - they did indeed look lovely.

As did Mrs. Dossier, who seemed to be delighted with the flowers.

Her delight would soon turn to disappointment and by Monday afternoon, all the flowers were dead.

The rest of this story, folks, pretty much plays out in the e-mails sent back and forth between me and FTD™ over the course of the next week or so, all of which I've reprinted verbatim below, except for the occasional misspelled word, which I've corrected to make me look smarter and more savvy than I actually am.

The letters are fairly self-explanatory, however, I'll probably interrupt here and there to comment or clarify.

Also, one more thing: when not writing for the blog, I tend to use all lower case. It's not that I fancy myself a latter day e.e. cummings, it's just that when you sit at a computer for a good portion of the day, all that relentless shifting of keys can give a guy carpal tunnel and repetitive stress syndrome.

so, please indulge my lower case eccentricities.

OK, now it's back to my tale of woe and quid pro quo...

On Tuesday, July 11th, less than 72 hours after the ill-fated floral delivery, I used the customer service section of the FTD™ website to contact them via their online form, as per instructions on the site. In addition to account and transaction details, there was a space for a personal message:

two dozen long stemmed roses arrived late in the day (6: 45 PM), even
though someone was home throughout the day.

i mention the late delivery not because it's something to complain
about, but because i suspect that the roses may have been sitting in 100
degree heat in a truck all day.

they arrived fully in bloom (open), looking more like the roses one buys
in the supermarket for ten dollars a dozen, not like a high-quality
florist-delivered FTD™ product.

either that, or it was late in the week and the florist simply didn't
have any quality flowers left.

i was there to witness the delivery and immediately thought there is no
way these flowers were going to last two or three days, let alone an
entire week.

indeed, not twenty-four hours later, petals were falling and five of the
roses were lifeless and had drooped.

by monday morning, fourteen of the flowers had drooped and by this
morning (tuesday), not a single rose is standing tall.

i am requesting a full refund of $110.99, in accordance with your
freshness guarantee.

also, on a side note... something you may wish to consider: my message
for the card consisted of the words "happy anniversary, mrs. dossier,
sweetie!" followed by my name.

if your participating florists are going to use pre-printed cards that
say "happy anniversary" - as this one did - your customers should be
told that so they can devise a longer message that makes sense.

the card my recipient received had "happy anniversary" as part of its
design and then her name "mrs. dossier, sweetie" followed by my name as the
sender.

in essence, there was no message at all.

many thanks.

Within just a few minutes, I received an auto-generated reply with the subject header Re: FTD.COM Inquiry Request:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding your recent order. We are always
happy to hear from our customers and enjoy assisting you. 

We are actively working toward an answer for you and will contact you upon completion. Our goal is to respond to your email within 48 hours.

Thank you for shopping with FTD.COM.

Sincerely,
FTD.COM Customer Service

Well, that's to be expected. Every company today sends an automated reply and then has human beings sort out the real problems. I could certainly wait 48 hours.

But just five or six hours later, a little missive from FTD™ arrived in my mailbox. Now that's what I call customer service! You know, folks, you can't go wrong when you under-promise and over-deliver.

Mr. Dossier,
Thank you for your email. We apologize that the order has not
lasted the full 7 days that our guarantee does state. The guarantee
does not state that the refund would be in full. We are more than
willing to offer you 30% off the merchandise price for the flowers
not lasting the full week. The only way we could offer a full
refund would be to have the florist pick up the item at the address
the item was sent and a call to our offices once the item arrived
back to the shop. Please contact our offices at your earliest
convenience to advise our representative how you would like to
proceed with your choice.

Thank you for shopping with FTD.

Sincerely,
FTD.COM Customer Service

Well, this note was not what I was expecting at all. There are a number of things that ticked me off about this response. They are, perhaps, the very same things that would annoy you.

Of course, I have no way of knowing if this is just some rogue customer service rep applying his own rules or if this is company policy. Then it hit me... maybe the AOL retention team is now in charge of the customer service program for FTD™.

Based on this and a previous experience, however, I tend to think customer service is falling apart over there in Downers Grove, or wherever the heck it is that they keep these folks cooped up.

But let me speak for myself:

hi there, "FTD.COM Customer Service" -

thanks for your reply.

could you please tell me where i may find the relevant portion of your
"satisfaction guarantee" or "freshness guarantee" or "good as gold"
guarantee that states that a refund will not be provided in full?

the homepage of your web site says that you deliver "beautiful flowers
and plants that will last at least 7 days. guaranteed."

when one clicks through to your customer service pages and clicks on the
link that says "satisfaction guarantee" (right below where it says
"ftd.com is committed to customer satisfaction"), it says:

"we guarantee fresh, beautiful floral arrangements and plants that will
last at least seven days."

"if you are not satisfied with the freshness of your flowers, please
contact us by e-mail or call a customer service representative at
1-800-SEND-FTD (1-800-736-3383), and we will replace your item or refund
your money."

well, i'm here to tell you that i am not satisfied with flowers that
lasted less than twenty-four hours and i wish to have my money refunded,
as stated in your guarantee.

frankly, your offer of a thirty percent refund absolutely baffles me... the
flowers were virtually D.O.A. and most of them lasted - at best - about
two days.

that leaves five days out of seven that i should be compensated for
under your formula... how does that come to 30%?

and when you say you are "more than willing to offer you 30% off the
merchandise price for the flowers," can i assume that you intend to
charge me for the delivery?

why would someone pay to have delivery of a product they couldn't use as
intended?

if you would like to send someone to pick up the remains of the roses,
as you suggest, you may do so only if your florist can provide a
specific appointment time.

i would much rather provide you with a photo of what remains of the two
dozen roses, but if you must actually pick them up before the florist
can be charged back and my account credited, then let's make
arrangements to do just that ASAP.

but before we do, i'd also like to place my recent experiences with FTD™
in context for you; perhaps it will explain why i am so concerned with
your customer service:

last november, i ordered a thanksgiving arrangement via FTD™. i was
called midday on the day of delivery - the day before thanksgiving - and
told that the flowers could not be delivered because there was a fire or
a refrigerator failure at the local florist, or perhaps it was a
refrigerator failure because of a fire... i really can't remember.

OK, fair enough, these things happen.

i was told that nothing could be done and no alternate floral
arrangement could be provided, as there was only one florist in the
community.

i was informed that a full refund would be forthcoming (and, true to
FTD's word, my mastercard account was credited the full amount a few
days later).

i did explain, however, to a supervisor that i had used a $25 dollar
gift certificate as partial payment on that order and i asked for that
to be returned to me. i was told that would not pose a problem.

i also asked if FTD™ was prepared to make a gesture of good faith to keep
me as a customer, perhaps by providing a credit for a future order.
after all, this was a pretty big thing... bungling a confirmed
thanksgiving order.

i was again told, yes, that was an appropriate response "for my troubles."

about three weeks later, a gift certificate from FTD arrived in the
amount of... ten dollars.

so, "for my troubles," i was out fifteen bucks and had no thanksgiving
centerpiece for my in-laws.

this past weekend, i had another special occasion and decided to give FTD a
chance to redeem itself, so i ordered two dozen long stemmed roses - a
premium product at a premium price. i tried to use my $10 gift
certificate... but guess what?

i couldn't... you see, i clicked a link in an FTD™ e-mail (i get at least
two or three of these a week) offering ten percent off my order. but the
FTD™ site doesn't allow you to apply a gift certificate if you have some
other sort of discount.

this is true no matter what the source of the "discount."

click through from an airline site and the site presented is a custom
branded site offering airline miles... but you can't apply a gift
certificate.

one has to go into your site directly - with no discounted offers - to
be able to use a gift certificate. that's just plain wrong... a gift
certificate is not a coupon or a "special offer"... it's supposed to be
as good as cash.

in any case, that ten dollar gesture of good faith i was sent to
compensate me for my thanksgiving delivery that never was (and my wasted
$25 gift certificate) is completely worthless.

FTD™ really ought to think about simplifying its pricing structure and
limiting the number of offers available from your partners and affiliates.

i've gone to your site a number of times to order flowers and have left
because i couldn't use the gift certificate or i grew tired figuring out
which was a better deal... the application of the gift certificate or
the numerous ten or fifteen per cent offers or other special deals you
send out.

look, mistakes happen. i understand that.

but, unfortunately, FTD™ is in an emotionally-charged business in which your
mistakes can cause disappointment at very special times in people's lives.

anytime a company makes a mistake, however, it's a chance to shine and show
just how good they can be. this is your opportunity, FTD™.

stand behind your clearly-worded guarantee and provide a full refund. is
it really necessary to pick up a dead floral arrangement?

(although, as i said, i will be happy to make arrangements for your florist
to pick up the remains. thursday, friday or saturday afternoon would be
best.)

sincerely,

mr. dossier
telephone: ###.###.####

almost immediately i received another highly personal response, which addressed my unique concerns:

Thank you for the feedback.  We are always happy to hear from you and address
any questions or concerns you may have.   

Once reviewed, we will pass your comments to the appropriate staff member
or department.  If there are questions, we will contact you at the email address provided.

Thank you for shopping with FTD.COM.

Sincerely,
FTD.COM Customer Service

Well, that's just peachy keen, or it would be if they somehow actually addressed any of my questions or concerns. But I took this as a good sign, in a sense. It may have meant that my inquiry had finally passed through several screeners and made its way to some uber customer service rep or high level supervisor who would sort out the problem straightaway.

But you have to wonder... at what point does someone say, "Whoa, hey Madge, we got a code red here, would you look at this one? This is twice we screwed him. Better take this puppy off the assembly line and treat him with kid gloves... that clock is ticking and we gotta pick up this guy's dead flowers so we can give him his refund!"

Getting those flowers picked up was all I could think about.

I was certain that a week would go by, Mrs. Dosier would have a bunch of smelly flowers on her hands and FTD™ would say, well, of course they're dead, it's been over a week now. You should really throw those out."

So, I called them. But the folks who handle the online communication either don't talk to the folks who handle the phone lines or they don't write very good notes in the comment fields of customers' accounts.

The cheery woman I spoke to was delighted to confirm that two dozen roses were delivered on Saturday, just as ordered. She also wondered if there was anything else she could help me with.

I didn't have the heart to tell her.

Thursday, July 13th, arrives... it's now Day 5 of this long national crisis. At 1:22 PM, I get an e-mail from FTD™. But it's just a promotional note offering 10% off.

Don't get me started.

At 5:32 PM, another e-mail arrives and this one bears the appropriate custserv@ftd.com e-mail addy. Surely this is the response I've been waiting for:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding your recent order. We are always
happy to hear from our customers and enjoy assisting you. 

We are actively working toward an answer for you and will contact you upon completion. Our goal is to respond to your email within 48 hours.

Thank you for shopping with FTD.COM.

Sincerely,
FTD.COM Customer Service

This is the very same e-mail I had already received... the one that started it all two days earlier!

I'm a patient guy, but if I wait another 48 hours, the 7 day window during which I was told I must return the flowers will expire. Not to mention... I still have to make arrangements to have someone home when the florist arrives to pick them up.

I hang in there and my patience is rewarded with another e-mail the next day, July 14th at 5:18 AM:

Thank you for your recent purchase from FTD.COM for Mrs. Dossier.

We received your request for information about your order. We're actively
investigating your concern and will contact you by e-mail with the results. We
apologize for any delay you might experience in getting an answer to your
question. In order to give you the most information possible, every order is
researched individually, and sometimes that takes a little longer.

Thank you for shopping with FTD.COM.

Sincerely,
Damon

Like I said, I'm a patient guy.

What the heck, I can wait this out. In fact, I seem to be making progress. This note mentions my recipient by name - if not me - and says they're "actively investigating" my concern.

Oooh, I like that! I picture a Tommy Lee Jones type, relentlessly interrogating some poor CSR till he cracks and blurts out that it was he who thought up the cockamamie 30 per cent solution when what he should have done was apologize for the inferior product and immediately issue a refund.

And while I didn't technically ask for any "information" about my order, the e-mail is signed with an actual name of somebody that works at FTD™. It always seemed odd to me that every e-mail from them is signed "Sincerely, FTD™ Customer Service."

If you were really sincere, you'd tell me your name, ferchrissakes!

That's why I like Damon. He's a swell guy. He's my hero. He doesn't skulk anonymously through the halls of FTD™, avoiding customer contact.

No, not my Damon. That's right, you go, boy... shout it out loud and proud: you are Damon, hear you roar, ain't gonna ignore FTD™ customers anymore!

Could this mean the folks at FTD™ were now becoming (gulp) accountable?

Then I think, wait, maybe it's a typo. Maybe he's Damien, the kid from "The Omen," all grown up now and placed on this earth to torment me and my ilk.

Then I realize it's possible that I've had too much caffeine... and, dammit, I'm out of ilk.

Saturday, July 15th... one week has passed.

Nothing from Damien or my other friends at FTD™.

Sunday, July 16th... Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Well, everyone needs a day or two off, I suppose.

Monday, July 17th... I realize that it's been nine days since this odyssey began. At 8:24 PM, I receive an FTD™ promotional e-mail inviting me to save 10% off "hundreds of impressive birthday gifts." I note that the "offer ends Wednesday."

Boy, these FTD people sure do like their 48 hour deadlines, I think to myself. Speaking of which, it's now been more than 87 hours since I last heard from them about my refund request.

Tuesday, July 18th... bingo!

I received a short note from "Julie," who has moved on from her cruise director duties on "The Love Boat" and is now working for FTD™. (Damien was apparently no longer interested in my plight).

Julie didn't say much, but she did have some good news:

At your request, your FTD.COM order has been canceled and a refund in
the amount of $110.99 has been posted to your credit card.  I sincerely apoplogize for all the inconveniences we have caused you in the past. We hope you'll give us the opportunity to assist you in the future.

Thank you for shopping with  FTD.COM.

Sincerely,
Julie

I'm very pleased about the full refund. But crusty curmudgeon that I am, I wonder if this could have been handled a little, um, better.

First off, I didn't "cancel" my order. I asked for a refund because FTD™ didn't do what they said they would do. I'm not nitpicking here... I'm trying to get FTD™ to acknowledge that they - and their local florist - botched this order and the opportunity to correct it every step of the way.

Saying that they've agreed to "cancel" my order and credit my account is not quite the same thing. It's almost as if they want to pretend my order never existed. That makes me, as a customer, feel like I've never existed.

Oh, sure, I have my money back, but what most customers want is the legitimacy of their complaint to be recognized. And I want to know that they have or will put measures in place to ensure that this sort of thing doesn't happen again. But if it does, I want to know that they have established a well-oiled machine committed to resolving the problem quickly and satisfactorily.

Julie apologizes and hopes that "you'll give us the opportunity to assist you in the future."

Forgive me, Jules, but why should I?

Because FTD™ refunded my money - as it's supposed to - but only after I repeatedly complained?

That's customer service?

I'm not saying the customer is always right... we're often not. But FTD™ needs to find a way to admit that their customers may sometimes be right and to treat them with respect.

Wake up and smell the dead flowers! We live in an age of consumer evangelism. How long do you think you can continue to treat your customers like this? You know, if you piss off enough people, sooner or later one of them writes about it on the internets.

Alas, if only I had a platform from which I could tell my story... If I did, I'd suggest you go to Proflowers, Bloom Depot, 1-800-Flowers, even Hallmark Flowers. But I'd strongly urge you not to use FTD™.

Now, your mileage may vary and you may in fact have had bad experiences with some of these companies or only good experiences with FTD™. But one thing is certain: when a problem arises, it needs to be resolved.

It seems to me that FTD™ might do well to have one person "own" a problem and see it through till its resolution. "Team service" may work well in some restaurants, but when you've got a complicated situation, it may help to have one person provide personalized service to each aggrieved customer.

It sure would have made me felt like I wasn't starting from scratch each time I got another cryptic note from them.

That's another thing. Don't hide behind pre-fab sentences and paragraphs in your customer communications, FTD™. (You might want to write this down.)

Put something in there that'll make your customer think you've actually read their damn complaint. Form letters don't work for every customer or every situation. Sorry, guys, but sometimes you just have to get your hands a little dirty and actually "custom-fab" a response.

And if there's a behind-the-scenes escalation going on, in which the letter keeps getting passed up the chain of authority to a decision maker, then by all means say so.

And say what you mean... are you now going to change your satisfaction guarantee to more accurately reflect your unique interpretation of it?

If you are not satisfied with the freshness of your flowers, please contact us by e-mail or call a customer service representative at 1-800-SEND-FTD (1-800-736-3383), and we will replace your item or refund your money.

Can't get much simpler than that. Do you stand behind it as written?

Now, it could be argued that FTD™ has indeed stood behind its guarantee. After all, I got my money back. But not without expending a considerable amount of time and energy on my part and not without having to have seven separate customer contact interactions.

And there are still unresolved issues... what about that $25 gift certificate I used that was supposed to have been replaced? Julie says in her note that she sincerely apologizes "for all the inconveniences we have caused you in the past."

(I know she's sincere because she used her name.)

Well, one of the inconveniences I specifically told FTD™ about was the replacement of that gift certificate. But Julie didn't mention it at all.

And then there's the little issue of treating a gift certificate that bears a cash value as a promotional coupon that can't be combined with any other "offer."  You know, I don't think that's even legal in most states.

Anyway, I guess FTD™ is feeling pretty bad about the whole thing.

And just to show there's no hard feelings, they sent me a lovely note at 11:37 PM last night.

"Oh, baby!" it says, "save 10% at FTD™."

I must admit I felt a little something deep inside when they called me "baby." Perhaps we could rekindle our relationship after all.

But then I realized they were just using me.

They wanted me to go online to buy their "Bouncing Baby Boy™ Bouquet" or "Baby Gift Bear" or "Sweet Dreams Bouquet."

In your dreams guys, in your dreams.

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Previous Rants You May Have Missed: The Oscars, Episode 78, Revenge of the Sid; McWhy?
Steven Gets Even; Tender Gender Bender Features Cover Blunder; Patently Obvious?

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Disclaimer: The FTD mark is a trade name, service mark,  trademark and collective membership mark of Florists' Transworld Delivery, Inc., of Downers Grove, Illinois.  All trademarks, service marks, and trade names referenced on The DVD Dossier web site are the property of their respective owners and protected under state, federal and international laws.